Friday, December 27, 2019

Wild Mike's Ultimate Pizza (Pepperoni)

Wild Mike's Ultimate Pizza's main selling point seems to be its size: it's the largest frozen pizza I have ever seen for sale in a store. "Over 2 LBS," the box advertises, though the wording is difficult to see amidst the staggeringly - some might say annoyingly - bright colors.

Usually I see these with a price tag of 8 bucks; I picked this one up on sale for $5.99.

Thoughtfully, the pizza contains packets of red pepper and Italian spice for the consumer to add.

It wasn't attractive; it wasn't unattractive. It looks like the pizza you see under heat lamps at a cheap buffet.

And it tasted about the same.

It is not exactly bad, and if any effort had been made towards using a high-quality sauce, I have no doubt Wild Mike's would be one of the more popular frozen pizzas. But no effort was made.

The makers of this pizza were considerate in making the pizza large. I wish they had put some effort into making the pizza good.

Maybe at some point in your life you have found a bottle of spices at the back of your pantry and wondered Jesus, how long have these been here? 

And maybe you've given them a taste just for the hell of it. Undoubtedly you discovered dried-out flakes of something, a slight echo of what once may have been flavor, and you threw the bottle out.

That's how these spices tasted.

I might buy one of these again if they are on sale, because you can get at least two meals out of one pizza. (Maybe even three if you're not a glutton like I am.)

But it's entirely possible that I will never buy one again.


Friday, December 20, 2019

Great Value Double Decker (Pepperoni)

I loathe Pizza Hut.

You can name any pizza chain and the odds are that I like it more than Pizza Hut. It's been a decade since I've eaten any - and even then it was only because the woman with whom I lived was sick and said that sounded good to her - and if I never eat any again, I will be just fine with that.

But when I was a kid they had a pizza that I really liked. They called it the "double-decker" pizza and it consisted of two layers of dough. (Years later, they would bring it back again, this time calling it the "triple-decker," which is just about the most Pizza-Hut-move imaginable.)

I can't remember exactly why I liked it so much, but I'm willing to bet it was because the extra dough tempered the taste of the shitty toppings that Pizza Hut used (and, I assume, still uses).

It's just like the line/joke my 7th grade English teacher used to tell: "Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you taste."

When I saw this pizza for sale at Walmart, I instantly remembered those double-decker pizzas of my youth. I bought it ($6.99) and immediately cooked it when I got home.

My heart sank a little when I unwrapped it. It's not a double-layer pizza like that Pizza Hut pizza from my youth. It's merely two thin-crust pizzas stacked on top of each other.

It was about as average as pizza can get. Not particularly good, but the flavors were not bad by any means. The pepperoni were those cheap-yet-delicious little salt bombs that the better frozen pizzas use.

However, all I could think while eating this was: This would taste just as good if it was only one pizza instead of two stacked on top of each other. All I'm doing here is eating twice as many calories as I need to.

When I was 19, my friends and I got ridiculously stoned one night over winter break. We were so hungry, we ordered a bunch of pizzas and when they arrived we started eating two slices at a time, one piled on top of each other.

I then went home and puked up nothing but barely-digested pizza. I never again tried eating two pieces at once.

Until now.

This was a better experience - I certainly did not puke - but it still wasn't very good.