Friday, April 24, 2020

Kroger Private Selection Cuban Inspired Ham & Swiss Pizza

This may surprise you, as I am the web's foremost expert on frozen pizza*, but I actually know far more about sandwiches. I am a renaissance man of sorts.

And I can count on one hand the number of sandwiches** I consider better than a Cuban sandwich, a grilled beauty of a thing that includes ham, roasted pork, pickles, Swiss cheese, and mustard, all on grilled Cuban bread.

How would that translate to pizza?

Let's be honest: probably not great. In addition to the wonderful flavors, the greatness of the Cuban sandwich lies in the contrast between the warm, gooey insides and the crispy, buttered roll. It would not work if cooked from frozen; I can't see how this will work.

But let's give it a try.

It's got a LOT going on. As you may see on the box: ham, Swiss, bacon, pickles, and several sauces.

420ΒΊ? Well, okay.

Have you ever seen directions for a frozen pizza whose instructed temperature does not end in 00ΒΊ, 25ΒΊ, or 50ΒΊ?

Me either.

Okay, they're just fucking with us, right? "Serve whole on a plate in classic restaurant style"?

In my entire life, I have only once been served a pizza that was not cut. I was one of the pretentious, lazily-made pizzas with a disc of cheese in the center that covered less than 1/3 of each slice. The rest of the pizza was bread. (I laughed and sent it back.)

It smelled really good out of the oven. 

It was much better than I expected.

There was a generous amount of ham and bacon and the rich, gooey cheese was a very nice contrast to the salty toppings.

I could not taste any mustard and there were not enough pickles; these two things prevented the pizza from truly tasting like a Cuban sandwich. 

The crust was inoffensive. It did not taste "artisan stone fired," but it did not taste, not by any means.

I did not think there was any chance I would enjoy the pizza this much.

THE RATING: πŸ•πŸ•πŸ•πŸ•

*This is probably not true
** Even if that hand only has three fingers: it's banh mi, shrimp po' boy, and lobster roll

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