Friday, August 28, 2020

Trader Joe's Spizzico di Pizza

These mini pizzas - and Jesus, do I mean mini - are certainly not intended to be an entire meal. Unless you eat the box of 12, I suppose.
I'll cut right to the chase: these suck. The "dough" is dense and flavorless. The cheese likewise has no taste

Maybe kids will like them because of the pizza's tiny size. But not if they care about taste.

I doused them with Texas Champagne, my favorite hot sauce. And I ate them. But I will never buy them again.


Friday, August 21, 2020

Deep Naan Pizza (JalapeΓ±o)

I love Indian food, though I will tell you up front: there is no Indian frozen product I have ever thought of as being anything more than "barely tolerable." (And all of those came from Trader Joe's; the rest can charitably be described as "crap.")

But I will admit I was intrigued to see a frozen pizza made with naan - Indian flatbread - as a base. 

I have a frozen pizza website, I thought to myself. I must try this. 

It was $3.29 at my local little market - which is notoriously overpriced, as it is the only market within 10 miles, and thus groceries are generally 10-20% more expensive than elsewhere.

Well, I mean... it's a naan pizza. I was disappointed in the meager toppings, but not particularly surprised, given the price. 

15 minutes later, I removed it from the oven and it appeared exactly as I expected: the cheese was melted, the jalapeΓ±os and onions looked the same.

It was as bland as could be. The naan was okay in that generic-frozen-and-reheated way that naan tastes when you cook one at home.

I do not believe there was any sauce - the packaging mentions tomato puree but I tasted nothing - and that's a shame, because it truly could have used it.

So it basically was bread with cheese on top. One of the bites containing jalapeΓ±o had a touch of spiciness, but that was all.

I realize this isn't a traditional frozen pizza, but they still call it a pizza, so that's how I am judging it.

And it was as bland a pizza as I have ever tasted. Literally. It did not taste bad. Just completely flavorless.

If you like bland food, you might enjoy this.

If you care about flavor in the slightest, you will not.


Friday, August 14, 2020

Mr. P's Crispy Crust Pizza (Cheeseburger)

When it comes to inexpensive, mini pizzas that you can microwave, most of my life I only thought of Celeste. 

A few years back, I discovered Kroger's take on such pizzas, which are perpetually on sale from $.75-$1, and I found that I liked even more. (Although they literally call them "microwave pizzas," I never use a microwave to cook them, as they are MUCH better in either the toaster oven or the air fryer... or... well, hang on a minute.)

I had never heard of Mr. P's, though I saw one at Albertsons the other day for $1.25 and figured I might as well give it a try. I selected the "cheeseburger" version. I have no explanation why. Just something different, I guess. 

 There was a decent amount of beef topping on this, especially considering the price.

I decided to cook this one in my outdoor Uuni pizza oven, burning at just over 900ΒΊ.

It took 30 seconds.

It looks much better than a microwaved pizza, no?

As for taste? Well... these mini pizzas all kind of taste the same. Which isn't really a bad thing, just an indistinguishable flavor of cheese and stale bread. It has little to do with pizza.

But then again, isn't that kind of the point? This isn't something of which you are proud about cooking. It's not something you serve to guests. It's just something to cook when you want something inexpensive and absurdly easy.

I can't call these good, not by any stretch.

But... I still like them. Especially when I've been drinking or I'm feeling really lazy. Or both.

THE RATING: πŸ•πŸ•πŸ•

Friday, August 7, 2020

Crav'n Flavor Chicken Bacon Ranch Pizza

A dozen years ago, on another website, I wrote about a local pizza place that I loved. My standard pizza there was their take on a Margherita, which remains one of the best I have ever had.

My friend Phil, who lived in the same town, told me that I had to try this establishment's "chicken bacon ranch" pizza. This perplexed me. I had once been at a sports bar in Green Bay, across the street from Lambeau Field, that offered pizzas with ranch sauce as a base, but I thought it was merely something that Wisconsinites ate. I did not realize it could be found on either coast. 

But still, nothing ventured, no heart attacks gained, so I tried the pizza. While I was surprised to discover that I actually found the pizza kind of good, that was due to the best bacon I have ever had on a pizza. I strongly disliked the creamy sauce. 

And I never tried ranch sauce on a pizza again. 

But these are Strange Times all around, so when I spied this pie on sale at the local market, I decided to give it a try. 

Almost all of the toppings were on one side, though this is not an uncommon thing with frozen pizzas. 

18 minutes in the oven and it was ready to eat, though I was not anxious to do so: the sauce exhibited a sheen commonly associated with what they call the "money shot" in a certain genre of films.

First we'll start with the good: I enjoyed the chicken and bacon.

And now the bad: I hated the crust.

As for the ugly? The sauce was awful. I cannot comment on the cheese because it melded with the sauce into a thick paste tasting of a particularly awful, salty ranch, the kind in which you may have dipped carrots or celery as a child once or twice before saying "Fuck this" and eating the veggies by themselves.

Have you ever tried a "fat free" ranch-flavored salad dressing? If not, do not fret, for you are not missing anything. If you have, you know what I'm saying when I tell you this ranch pizza sauce tastes like one of those.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that ranch has never been one of my favorite condiments. I do not hate it, but if given the choice, I will always select blue cheese instead and if not given the choice, I will usually eat very little of it.

If you enjoy ranch, I imagine you will enjoy this pizza more than I did.