A dozen years ago, on another website, I wrote about a local pizza place that I loved. My standard pizza there was their take on a Margherita, which remains one of the best I have ever had.
My friend Phil, who lived in the same town, told me that I had to try this establishment's "chicken bacon ranch" pizza. This perplexed me. I had once been at a sports bar in Green Bay, across the street from Lambeau Field, that offered pizzas with ranch sauce as a base, but I thought it was merely something that Wisconsinites ate. I did not realize it could be found on either coast.
But still, nothing ventured, no heart attacks gained, so I tried the pizza. While I was surprised to discover that I actually found the pizza kind of good, that was due to the best bacon I have ever had on a pizza. I strongly disliked the creamy sauce.
And I never tried ranch sauce on a pizza again.
But these are Strange Times all around, so when I spied this pie on sale at the local market, I decided to give it a try.
Almost all of the toppings were on one side, though this is not an uncommon thing with frozen pizzas.
First we'll start with the good: I enjoyed the chicken and bacon.
And now the bad: I hated the crust.
As for the ugly? The sauce was awful. I cannot comment on the cheese because it melded with the sauce into a thick paste tasting of a particularly awful, salty ranch, the kind in which you may have dipped carrots or celery as a child once or twice before saying "Fuck this" and eating the veggies by themselves.
Have you ever tried a "fat free" ranch-flavored salad dressing? If not, do not fret, for you are not missing anything. If you have, you know what I'm saying when I tell you this ranch pizza sauce tastes like one of those.
If you enjoy ranch, I imagine you will enjoy this pizza more than I did.
THE RATING: 🍕🍕
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