Crav'n Flavor Chicken Bacon Ranch Pizza

A dozen years ago, on another website, I wrote about a local pizza place that I loved. My standard pizza there was their take on a Margherita, which remains one of the best I have ever had.

My friend Phil, who lived in the same town, told me that I had to try this establishment's "chicken bacon ranch" pizza. This perplexed me. I had once been at a sports bar in Green Bay, across the street from Lambeau Field, that offered pizzas with ranch sauce as a base, but I thought it was merely something that Wisconsinites ate. I did not realize it could be found on either coast. 

But still, nothing ventured, no heart attacks gained, so I tried the pizza. While I was surprised to discover that I actually found the pizza kind of good, that was due to the best bacon I have ever had on a pizza. I strongly disliked the creamy sauce. 

And I never tried ranch sauce on a pizza again. 

But these are Strange Times all around, so when I spied this pie on sale at the local market, I decided to give it a try. 

Almost all of the toppings were on one side, though this is not an uncommon thing with frozen pizzas. 

18 minutes in the oven and it was ready to eat, though I was not anxious to do so: the sauce exhibited a sheen commonly associated with what they call the "money shot" in a certain genre of films.

First we'll start with the good: I enjoyed the chicken and bacon.

And now the bad: I hated the crust.

As for the ugly? The sauce was awful. I cannot comment on the cheese because it melded with the sauce into a thick paste tasting of a particularly awful, salty ranch, the kind in which you may have dipped carrots or celery as a child once or twice before saying "Fuck this" and eating the veggies by themselves.

Have you ever tried a "fat free" ranch-flavored salad dressing? If not, do not fret, for you are not missing anything. If you have, you know what I'm saying when I tell you this ranch pizza sauce tastes like one of those.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that ranch has never been one of my favorite condiments. I do not hate it, but if given the choice, I will always select blue cheese instead and if not given the choice, I will usually eat very little of it.

If you enjoy ranch, I imagine you will enjoy this pizza more than I did.

THE RATING: 🍕🍕