Friday, January 8, 2021

WisePies Hatch Green Chile Four Cheese

I'll give it to WisePies - their packaging is cool. The box invokes memories of many of the great pizzerias I have visited on vacations in New York City over the years, to say nothing of the 18 months that I lived in Brooklyn. The red and white striping, the cool hat in the logo... I had hopes that this pizza would be good. 

Spoiler alert: The packaging is the best part of the pizza. By far. 

First of all, WisPies is based in Albuquerque. So I don't know why they chose their name. 

(There is also a pizza place in Albuquerque called Goodfellas, which just happens to be the name of my favorite movie... and it was one of the three worst pizzas I have ever tried.) 

Second... the company did not originate as a classic pizzeria, but rather a fast food business, and it's now closed. Does that inspire good feelings? 

Hatch green chiles are delicious. It was disappointing to find such a meager amount. 

Oh boy. 

Where to begin. 

Let's start with the crust. 

When people say they hate frozen pizza crust, this is exactly of what they are speaking. Flavorless and tasting stale even when baked. 

I roll my eyes when someone says a crust tastes "like cardboard." First of all, it is perhaps the biggest clichΓ© in food, but more importantly... who the fuck has ever eaten cardboard? How do you know what cardboard tastes like? Can't you find any other way to put down a crust?

That being said, if I ever did take a bite of cardboard, I would not be shocked to find it tastes like this. 

The Hatch chiles were some of the worst I have ever had. A great Hatch chile - and freshly-roasted Hatch chiles are one of the great foods in the world - contains a depth of earthy flavors and spices that make you wonder why you don't put Hatch chiles on everything you eat. 

These had no flavor and no spice whatsoever. They might as well have been bell peppers.

The pizza sauce was the lone highlight of the pie: it tasted like roasted tomatos and fresh herbs. I wish they had put any of the effort that went into making the sauce into the rest of the pizza, too. 

WisePies offers other flavors but this was such a staggering disappointment that there is no way I will ever try any of them. 


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